How to Exercise Your Emotional Intelligence
Don’t sweat it. Exercise has never been this easy.
Emotional intelligence (EI) is one of the fastest growing trends in today’s business landscape. It comes as no surprise, as EI is one of the best predictors of long-term success and has been shown to weed out the average performers from the outstanding performers. But what really is EI and how can we hone these skills without overcomplicating things?
If you’re anything like me, I’m a sucker for a cliff-notes version of anything. Let’s face it, we often don’t have the time, energy or attention span to read that business book from start to finish. We’re busy! Which can be a great thing. But like any awesome health hack or exercise program, you have to fit it into your schedule one way or another or you won’t reap those amazing Gwyneth Paltrow-like benefits.
Below I’m outlining a quick and easy playbook for working that muscle of knowledge (aka your brain) with some helpful tips for creating long-lasting EI impact. Think of it like a 20-minute low impact Peloton ride (guilty).
But first…
What is emotional intelligence (EI)?
No, it’s not just being a nice person who listens and nods. To put it simply, emotional intelligence is the ability to “feel all the feels”, know what to do (and not to do) with them, and use them to know what to do (and not to do) with others. Still confused? Refer to the four essences of EI:
Understand/recognize your own emotions and sense of self
Understand/recognize others
Manage yourself
Manage your relationships with others
and…
What does EI have to do with the workplace?
As EI pioneer Daniel Goleman once said, “CEOs are hired for their intellect and business expertise—and fired for a lack of emotional intelligence”. What’s great about this quote is Goleman’s piercing insight. What stinks about this quote is the misleading notion that those lacking EI are usually fired (if only that were true).
Think of your worst boss or manager. What cringe-worthy traits did he or she possess that negatively affected your working experience? Now, think of your best boss or manager. Or, better yet, think of your ideal boss or manager. More often than not, the traits that make someone an outstanding leader are those that exude a positive emotional tone (i.e. understanding, trustworthy, inspiring, fair) and a high level of synchrony (innate connection with others), creating a perfect balance known as resonance. Resonant leaders provide purpose, engagement, and trust within their teams and manage their (and others’) emotions strategically to drive success.
So what does this have to do with your own performance at work? Well, it enables you to not only foster compassionate leadership, but it also better equips you with the tools to energize others, manage change, face adversity, and create lasting performance.
Ok, you want in?
5 ways to get EI-fit and build resonance:
1. Conduct a self-awareness SWOT
They say no one knows you better than yourself. But is that really true? Without self-awareness, we could very easily miss out on key behaviors that could be detrimental to our work, our relationships, or our mental health. The ability to look inward, with an objective lens, is very difficult. As humans, we are more inclined to point out flaws or issues in others. However, with a little practice, self-awareness can easily be mastered. Just like any business-related SWOT analysis, think of your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. What do you do really well? What do fail at? What are your areas of improvement? What threatens your ability to be successful, productive, or happy? Write these out and reflect on them. The first step is recognizing your abilities and understanding your needs. Still want more? Try taking a validated self-assessment tool such as DISC or FIRO-B—I’m happy to chat more about these here.
2. Take your temperature
I think we’ve all gotten accustomed to this in the pandemic world; however, I’m not talking about your body temperature. I’m referring to your emotional temperature. Have you taken it lately? A key component of self-management is your ability to assess your own feelings and thoughts (as well as how they are affecting those around you) and adapt accordingly. Temp getting a little high? If you’re overwhelmed, annoyed, anxious, or angry, then it may be time to take some medicine. While there isn’t a magic pill, there are great (and free!) prescriptions available to you: take a break, go for a walk, follow a quick guided meditation, or chat with a friend. Whatever it is, find a way to increase your mindfulness, foster adaptability, and move forward with clarity. Want to self-regulate like a pro? Read more here.
3. Motivation pulse-check
This is an awesome exercise adapted from Christopher Connors. To best determine what fuels your spirit, be honest with yourself about what your passions are and what genuinely feeds your energy. How do you define excellence for yourself and others? What do you feel it takes to get to that level? What ways can you inspire yourself and others to achieve optimal results? Keep in mind, your motivations will almost always be different from those you lead or work with. Having the ability to adapt your motivational techniques is crucial to helping others gain momentum.
4. Run in someone else’s shoes
It’s no secret that an important pillar of emotional intelligence is empathy. This is often what many of us think of when we hear EI or EQ. Unfortunately, empathy is often a misunderstood term, especially in the business world. Some leaders or team members confuse empathy for sympathy, entangling the notions of experiencing emotions of others with understanding the emotions of others. It’s not enough to just recognize someone’s feelings and ask “how are you doing?”. It’s also not enough to feel bad or try and create a quick solution. Empathy is the authentic act of experiencing and feeling. It must be sincere and genuine and can sometimes take energy and time. Some of the greatest servant leaders have found their success from practicing true empathy, such as shadowing a lower-level team member, engaging in difficult conversations, and offering to listen to understand, not just respond. One of my favorite videos on empathy can be found here—it’s so simple to understand that my toddler can become the next Brene Brown.
5. Stretch your social skills
I’ll be the first to admit, this is not my strong suit (see? I’ve been practicing self-awareness!). While I do enjoy working with people and being an active contributor to a team, I value my alone time and often work best independently. However, I am aware that being too aloof does not create a great leader. I’ve learned that you can still create impactful, social relationships while being an introvert. It’s also important to note that not all extroverts create meaningful, influential relationships. The “social butterfly” in the office isn’t always a resonant or servant leader. Finding that perfect social balance is vital to practicing and utilizing emotional intelligence. EI is nothing if it’s not put into play—frequently. When I managed teams, I made it a priority to have casual check-ins in the staff kitchen each morning. When I worked with companies we acquired, I ensured I knew each new team member by name (yes, at one time I memorized over 60+ names). What social interactions will you practice to help build trust, create motivation, or provide opportunities for meaningful dialogue?
We are faced with emotionally-charged decisions every day. Having the skills to appropriately recognize these emotions and use them to your advantage is key to your personal and professional development. The good news is that EI should be easy to practice and, with time, be achieved.
So, go ahead. You can mix this into your morning smoothie.